"I'm 72 years old."
"Yay! You can count that high! See, women are going to love you!"
"I'm not sure that's what women focus on."
"Sure they do. Men focus on looks and women focus on brains. Lucky for you."
"Thanks. A guy likes nothing better than to hear he's ugly."
"You're not ugly. You're just too old to be good looking."
"Why are we doing this again?"
"Because I said so. Now listen up..."
"Look. I appreciate you wanting to help out, but I'm just not interested in finding a woman. Particularly one my age. You know how people my age don't look good."
"No, they just don't look good to young people. People your age have poor vision so you don't notice the difference."
"Well, I can't argue with that. But still, I'm not ready for a woman in my life."
"Jesus, grandpa. It's been six years. She'd want you to be happy."
"You don't know your grandmother as well as you think you do. She wouldn't be too happy with me trying to be happy with another woman."
"Well, it's too late. I've already decided."
"Don't I get a say in..."
"No, you don't. I've made up my mind and you're going to find a woman."
"Who made you boss?"
"Me! What the hell, grandpa! Don't you even pay attention?"
"Oh, well at my age it's easy to be forgetful."
"You're forgiven."
"Thanks?"
"Now listen up. Give me your phone."
"Don't you have your own?"
"Yes, I have my own. But we're going to put some dating apps on yours."
"Apps?"
"Just hand me the phone."
"Fine."
"What the hell is this? A flip phone? Are we in the 90's?"
"It works. Did you notice you say hell a lot? Your grandmother wouldn't..."
"We can't put an app on this! We're going shopping."
"You didn't tell me this was going to cost money."
"You're going to be spending money on dates, so you might as well start practicing now."
"That makes sense. It makes me think I've lost my mind, like you."
"Aww! We think alike! See why I'm your favorite granddaughter?"
"I thought it was because you said so."
"Don't try to think. You're not good at it."
"I think that you're pushy."
"I am not. I'm persuasive in a charming way."
"That's debatable."
"No, it's not..."
"I know, I know. Because you said so."
"Your thinking is improving. Let's go, Gramps. You've got some spending practice to do."
"See? Isn't this better?"
"Does that thing actually make calls?"
"Umm, ya. But why would you want to?"
"I forget now. I remember it seemed like a good idea before."
"Probably when you were trying to think. Thank God that's over with."
"I don't think it's God you're working with on this."
"Whatever. Sit still and look at me."
"Why?"
"You need a pic for your profile. Don't ask questions."
"Yes, boss."
"Now you understand our relationship."
"It's easy when you stop thinking. That was getting in the way."
"Shut up so I can take the pic... There. It'll have to do for now until we get you some new clothes."
"What's wrong with these?"
"What's right with them is a better question. You look like a hillbilly."
"I am a hillbilly."
"No, you're not, you're just Southern. Speaking of that, you'll need to lose the accent. It doesn't sound intelligent and remember..."
"Women like intelligent guys. I'll be sure to show them I can count to 72."
"It's a start. Ok, now what type of woman are you looking for?"
"I wasn't looking for any."
"'Adventurous, likes a good, a really good, time, and is very sexy.'"
"It sounds like you're tying to get me someone who wants to have sex."
"Yes. This is about getting you laid."
"You're saying that to your grandfather? We never would have done that when I was a kid."
"Ya, well you probably would have been saying sir and mam to your grandparents. We're much more liberated in my generation. Free to be me!"
"Oh god."
"So about getting you laid..."
"I think I should get to know them first and become friends, then see where it goes."
"You want to be friends first? Ok. Let's get your buddy Frank over here! You're good friends! I think the two of you would be great kissers! Go for it, Gramps!"
"Knock it off, weirdo. Shouldn't you be bothering people your own age?"
"You want me to bother people my own age? What about that dude with the crutches over there? Hey! Tiny Tim! Ya, you! God bless us, everyone, you freak!"
"Wow! You can be more obnoxious. I never would have guessed."
"Now that we've got that out of your system, let's talk about you. I'm not even going to bother asking you, you're no good at this. 'Hi, I'm Jacob. I'm a handsome man who likes to get out and see the city, a military veteran, and likes hooking up as well as getting to know a woman.'"
"What does hooking up mean?"
"Hooking up just means getting together."
"Getting together?"
"You're trying too hard to be a part of this process. Just do what I say."
"Yes, Miss..."
"Time to start. We're going to be looking at some pics and profiles of women. If we swipe right, it means she's acceptable. If we swipe left, it means she's a loser."
"Who are we, Mengele?"
"Who?"
"Never mind. I'm not comfortable deciding who is worthy and who's not. Seems like we're playing God."
"You're not playing God. You're just deciding which women you like. Everybody does it."
"I guess. Ok, I'll do it. What do we do after that?"
"You'll find out soon enough. But first, we play God."
"How did the date go?"
"Fine. I mean fine as in she left without finishing her food."
"She left? What did you say?"
"How do you know this is my fault?"
"Because you keep thinking and it gets you in trouble!"
"I thought I was supposed to be intelligent?"
"No, we're just saying that to get women to sleep with you. What did you say?"
"I don't know. She asked me why I was using the dating app. I was about to tell her so I could find someone nice, but then I decided to tell her the truth."
"And that was..."
"Because you made me. I didn't want to in the first place."
"Are you kidding me?!? What the hell, grandpa?!?"
"You really do like that word, don't you?"
"Hell hell hell! As in what the hell were you thinking, grandpa?"
"I was thinking I just wanted to go home."
"Do you know what this meant to me?!? Being able to do this for you?!? I took all my time..."
"Our time..."
"My time! Do you really think grandma would have wanted you to be miserable? Do you really think that? That is screwed up! How dare you think that about her!"
"Kathy..."
"No! I'm not going to have the last thing I do in the world be trying to convince you to grow up and get back on your feet!"
"I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't mean..."
"You're sorry?!? You're sorry?!? I'm never going to have a chance to find someone, and you get two chances! You are not going to screw this up! I swear if you don't do this I'm going to be waiting on the other side and I'll hit you with a hammer when you get there!"
"I..."
"Did you hear me?"
"Listen..."
"Did you hear me?!?"
"...Yes. I heard you."
"And?!?"
"You're right. She wouldn't want me to be miserable. Just like I don't want you miserable. I can't believe you're spending so much time on this. You're spending it with some old guy. You should be doing something fun with someone your own age, don't you think?"
I want you to be happy. I haven't had enough of a chance to do something really nice for someone, and I want to. Please don't give up on this. I want to do this."
"You've already been nice to plenty of people already. But I'll give it another try."
"Good. Besides, would you want it on your conscious that you wasted the time of your dying granddaughter? No, you wouldn't. I've decided."
"Yes, Miss Manager."
"Much better. Now pull out your phone. We're going to play God again."
"She was quite a little lady, Jacob."
"Yes, she was, Frank. Meant to thank you for coming to the funeral. She liked you."
"I liked her, too. She's the only reason I keep you as a friend."
"Don't say that too loud. I don't want people to think I have low friendship standards."
"Well, they're no lower than mine."
"Haha. Probably true."
"So how's the dating going?"
"I gave it up."
"What do you mean? You promised Kathy you'd keep trying."
"Yes, but I just wanted her to die with a little happiness. I would have told her anything."
"You really need to keep your promise, Jake."
"Let it go, Frank."
"I'm afraid I can't do that, my friend. See, Kathy was pretty sure you were going to crap out on this, so she told me that if you did, I was to beat you over the head with this cane until you got your head out of your hind-end and went back to dating."
"...She really was a violent girl, wasn't she?"
"Damn straight she was. Now pull out your phone. It's time to play God."
BIO: Drew Dunlop is a writer, actor, storyteller, and director in Nashville, TN. He has written several plays, two of which have been performed in Nashville with a third coming out in 2019. He focuses on the genres of plays, memoir essays, and short stories in his writing, and he is a frequent storyteller at events in Nashville. A memoir is under development focusing on his struggles in finding his "true calling" while enduring two long-term medical battles. He placed second in the 2008 Tennessee Phi Theta Kappa short story competition and has been published in various forms. His professional writing credits include being a freelance print journalist for over 10 years in the Middle Tennessee region, specializing in investigative and feature stories. He received his MBA with an emphasis on entrepreneurship from Vanderbilt University in 2012 and has been migrating toward a career in the arts for the past several years. His hobbies are travelling, photography, and Australian Rules Football. Find him on FB page at @DrewDunlopTheatre and Twitter at @AuthorDrew.