"You talking to me?"
"I'm calling your daughter, Mr. Sternwood. I believe your new phone app isn't working properly."
"What we have here is failure to communicate."
"Hello, Mrs. Rutledge?"
"Is that you, nurse Carmen?"
"Yes, ma'am. I'm here at the Oak Plaza Mall with your father."
"Some sort of outing from the extended care facility, I take it?"
"Yes, ma'am, our regular Tuesday trip."
"Is there a problem?"
"Yes, Mrs. Rutledge. The dementia support software on your father's new phone seems to be malfunctioning."
"And I can help you how?"
"Well, I just thought you should know in case you wish to contact an IT person. It seems that he doesn't have access to his family and friends data, either the images or voice identification tags. Also, his basic vocabulary matrix isn't working. The only thing that is working is that classic movie app you got him for Christmas."
"At least that works. He loves that app."
"I know he's a fan of old movies, Mrs. Rutledge, but lines from those movies are all he's said since I picked him up two hours ago. It's getting old."
"This is a bother! I'll have to take him to the Apple store to get this worked out—something about interface glitches."
"There's an Apple store here, ma'am."
"Alright, I'll come. Oak Plaza, you say?"
"Yes."
"I'll meet you in front of the Apple store in half an hour."
"Fine. We'll be there."
"My Precious."
"Mr. Sternwood? Shall we have some ice cream while we're waiting for your daughter?"
"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore."
"Oh, Mr. Sternwood, it won't take that long. I'll just leave you here in this alcove while I go to Cold Stone Creamery. Would you like your usual? Chocolate with sprinkles?"
""Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
"If you're going to be cranky, I'll take you back to Golden Acres now and tell your daughter to pick you up there."
"Go ahead. Make my day."
"I'd just like to get you something you'll like."
"A martini, shaken not stirred."
"Chocolate with sprinkles—right."
"Hasta la vista, baby."
"Hey, old dude. Want a new friend?"
"You're one ugly son of a bitch."
"No need to be rude, dude. My friend and me thought you might want some company since your nurse left you all alone. We're going to take you over behind the fountain to look at the lights and the tree."
"Hurry up, Harv. That nurse will be back any minute."
"Chill, man. I'm wheelin' him now."
"Over here. The Christmas tree will block the view so we can boost him with no witnesses."
"Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore."
"All right, old dude, wallet, watch, credit cards, phone – hand it all over now and we won't hurt you."
"Do you feel lucky, punk?"
"I changed my mind, old dude, I'm going to cut you a little bit."
"Not the switchblade bit, Harv! We don't have time!"
"We got a couple of minutes. I'm going to enjoy this."
"Watch out! He's got something in his hand!"
"Here's looking at you, kid."
"GAAAAA! My eyes! My eyes are on fire."
"Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night."
"Help me, Eddy! I can't see! Eddy? Eddy?"
"Mr. Sternwood, what did you do?"
"I made him an offer he couldn't refuse."
"He attacked me! The geezer attacked me!"
"Mr. Sternwood, did you attack him? Is that true?"
"You can't handle the truth."
"Excuse me, ma'am, I'm officer Meuller, Oak Plaza Mall Security. What's the problem here?"
"The geezer burned my eyes out!"
"Uh, my patient Mr. Sternwood seems to have sprayed something in this man's eyes."
"Sir, may I ask what you did?"
"I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."
"Wow, there's enough ghost pepper capsinoids in this spray-can to cook a rhinoceros from the inside out."
"I'm sure Mr. Sternwood didn't mean to hurt him badly. Is he going to die?"
"No, but he'll wish he was dead for at least the next six hours. The ambulance is on the way."
"Are you going to arrest Mr. Sternwood?"
"Not a chance. This guy's name is Harv Bannon. We've contacted him before about various problems around the mall. Also, he fits the description of a suspect involved in several other attacks on elderly people. Self defense is self defense, though Mr. Sternwood might get cited for carrying a concealed weapon. I don't think these aerosol pepper sprays are legal."
"It's that Amazon account of his."
"I don't think they sell military grade weapons on Amazon, ma'am."
"You'd be amazed."
"I'm sure I would."
"The accountant at Golden Acres will have to find out how he makes his orders. He's not supposed to have a credit card."
"If you'll excuse me, I have to alert my team."
"What's the matter, officer?"
"Harv usually runs around with a little sleeze-ball named Kushner. If we hurry, we can catch him before he leaves the mall."
"Round up the usual suspects."
"May I take Mr. Sternwood to meet his daughter?"
"Sure. Do you have his contact information? The city police are going to want to speak with him."
"Certainly, officer, and thank-you. I'm sure this has been hard on him. Let's get over to the Apple store now, Mr. Sternwood."
"Oh, my eyes! It hurts! It hurts! I'm gonna get you, old dude -somewhere, somehow!"
"No! He's got another spray-can, officer!"
"Grab his hand, ma'am!"
"GAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning."
"Too late. That might count as assault, ma'am."
"Sorry, officer. I'll get him out of here now."
"I'll be back."
BIO: Robert Walton is a retired middle school teacher and lifelong rock climber with many ascents in both the Sierras and Pinnacles National Park, his home crags. His writing about climbing has appeared in the Sierra Club's Ascent. His publishing credits include works of science fiction, fantasy and poetry. He also worked as a newspaper columnist for a time. His historical novel Dawn Drums won the 2014 New Mexico Book Awards Tony Hillerman Prize for best fiction, first place in the 2014 Arizona Authors competition and first place in the historical fiction category of the 2017 Readers Choice Awards. Most recently, his SF short story "Starbuck Billy" was published in Alien Dimensions, issue 16. Please visit his website for more information about him.