You're listening to KJOK, Kayjock, five-seventy on your AM dial in Dallas, Texas. We're your number one all-sports station. If it's a sport, it's on Kayjock. We take you now, live, to our man at the center of the action for this Kayjock sports exclusive.
This here's the Mangle Master. Yeah, that's right, the Master of Mangle in all my glory. And I ain't gonna let anybody forget it. Ever!
I'm here where it's always the freezin' season, and the chicks dig me. Today it's Saint Pete, the big burg of Roosia. And we're ready to rumble, tumble, ROCK AN' ROLL.
I gotta special treat for all you sportsters today. This is a winner-take-all, no-holds-barred, in-your-face grudge match. Two top pros are gonna decide who's the chess big dog of the whole friggin' world.
They got me in a booth lookin' down at the action in the gym at Leningrad . . . wait a minute. Make that Saint Petersburg High School. Looks like the name on the floor was painted over a couple times. But this is where the heavy checks hit the board, folks.
Here to help me out with his chess ex-par-tease all the way from London . . . that's in England, right, Milty?
That is correct, Mister Mangler.
Whoa there. First thing outta the box, Milty, cut the mister crap. It's you an' me here. Just call me Mangler.
As you wish . . . Mangler.
Cool. Now help me out here, Milty. What do those three little lines after your name mean?
Those are Roman Numerals for the number three. It signifies I am Milton G. Waterford, The Third.
The third what?
The third Waterford. You see my father, his father, and I all share the same name.
Not much imagination in your family when it comes to the name game, huh?
Certainly not compared to your own rather colorful cognomen.
My what?
Please do not take offense. I merely commented on your name creativeness.
Oh. That's from my old WWF days. You know, World Wrestling Federation. Don't wrestle anymore. But I liked the name, so I kept it. Pretty cool, huh?
It is certainly . . . unique. And, I might add, rather fitting for a man of your bulk.
You could stand to bulk-up a little yourself, Milty. There's more food out there besides Slim Fast, you know? Steak an' potatoes work for me.
Thank you. I shall bear that in mind.
So, whatta you think about the lineup today?
By lineup, may I take it you are referring to the contestants in today's match?
Take it all the way in for a TD, Milty. Whatta you think the chances are for this Eye-van Ro . . . Ro. Is that like the lettuce, Romain-ovich?
That would be pronounced as E-van Ro-man-o-vich. And really, Mangler, sir, your voice does have a rather resounding effect. I do believe the volume is a bit disturbing to those down there on the floor.
That's what I'm here for, Milty. Add a little color and excitement to the game when things slow down. Who's the broad sittin' behind Eye-van?
That is Mrs. Romanovich, Ivan's mother. She is serving as his second.
That's a relief. Thought it might be his honey. Man, these Russki broads are sure rough around the edges. Hard to tell if they're somebody's main squeeze, granny, or bodyguard.
Please Mister . . . that is, Mangler, we must remember we are guests in this country. We do not want to offend them.
Oh hell, Milty, all athletes are used to that kind of talk. Comes with the territory. How do these boys stack up against each other. I mean, now that they're nose-to-nose, eye-to-eye. Who's gonna blink first?
I hardly think they will attempt to out-stare one another. They will, however, endeavor to apply their talents to the intricate strategies on the chess board. Each player has his own distinct style, which will become apparent as the game progresses and—
Right you are, Milty. Which one do you think is gonna make the first check, Eye-van, or this Willy guy?
I assume you are making reference to Ivan's opponent, William Crenshaw.
Yeah. I just like to use a shorter name. Willy.
Of course. William is your fellow countryman, who is America's chess master. This will be his first—
BL-A-A-A-T!
My word, what was that?
Air horn, Milty. Wakes folks up when there's a lull in the action. From the looks of it there's gonna be a lot lulls around here. Maybe I should've brought an extra horn.
I believe you have not only disturbed the contestants, but the entire gallery down there as well. I say, must you blast that instrument with such volume?
Why, hell yeah, Milty. Gotta show support for my home-boy.
BL-A-A-A-T!
The contestants and their seconds keep looking up here, Mangler. I am certain they highly disapprove of your loud distractions.
Are these guys scared of each other, or what? They've been at it for over ten minutes already and I ain't seen one check.
The game involves considerable strategy. A great deal of patience and stress is embodied in chess. Each move has a profound effect on all subsequent—
What they need is a little encouragement. Like a cheer. C'mon, Milty, help me get that gallery down there in the mood. CHECK. CHECK. CHECK.
Please, Mangler, you are causing a major disruption.
BL-A-A-A-T!
CHECK. CHECK. Nobody with me? Bunch of woosies.
Perhaps this is a different type of competition than what you are accustomed to covering in your previous broadcasts.
Aw, Milty, a competitor's a competitor. Don't matter what the game. These ain't competitors. They're woosies. WOOSE, WOOSE, WOOSE.
Oh my. Ivan made a gesture toward us.
Yeah? Great. Shows a little fire. HEY, EYE-VAN, YOUR MOMMA WEARS COMBAT BOOTS. Look, Milty. She really does wear boots.
Now William is conversing with Ivan. That is most singular behavior for a championship match.
Single an' nothin' goin' on. HEY DOWN THERE. YOU WOOSIES EVER GONNA GET TO THE CHECKS?
Please, Manlger, those people are getting extremely upset with your antics.
Yeah, yeah. What they gonna do, beat me up?
Really now, chess players have been known to have quite a temper at times.
Oh stop, Milty. You're making me so frightened. HEAR THAT? WOOSIES?
I fear you may have gone too far now, Mangler. The contestants and their seconds have upended the table along with the chess board, and are making their way up here to the booth.
Let the woosies come. HERE WOOSIE, WOOSIE, WOOSIE.
This may be very serious. They look terribly angry.
Tell you what, Milty. Take over the mic here, and just call it like you see it. I'll handle the action.
I have never done this sort of thing before. How should I go about it?
Nothin' to it, Milty. Just talk into the mic and say what's happenin'.
Upper lip and all then. Um, hello sporting enthusiasts. This is your host, Milton G—
No time for all that, Milty. They're breakin' down the door.
My word. The two chess masters and their seconds have burst through the broadcast door into the booth. The Mangler just took a swing at William, but missed.
Ivan approaches Mangler from the left and throws a left jab.
The Mangler ducks. But William moves in with an uppercut and connects.
Mangler staggers, but rebounds in time to block a kick from Ivan's mother. Wow. And those aren't just boots, folks. Those are steel-toed jobs.
By Jove I believe I'm getting the hang of this.
Ivan circles, looking for an opening.
William's second comes up from behind and lands a folding chair across Mangler's back.
Mangler staggers into a right cross from Ivan.
William winds up with a haymaker. Oh no. He stepped in front of Ivan's mother as she lets loose with another kick. William's down. William's down.
Mangler's up, but clearly hurt.
Ivan throws a one-two.
William's second connects with the chair again.
Mangler drops to all fours.
William's up.
Ivan's mother kicks again. She connects. Ooo, and hard.
Mangler staggers to his feet.
William connects with a right to the jaw.
Ivan lands several shots to the midsection.
William's second chairs again.
Ivan's mother scores another solid kick.
William cuts loose with a flurry of punches.
Someone stop the slaughter. Oh, the humanity. . . .
This has been another Kayjock presentation from KJOK. But don't move that dial, folks. Next up, George Hamilton referees the nail-biting finals of the Over Sixty Tanning competition at the Quiet Waters Retirement Home in Miami, Florida.
BIO: Roy retired from unrewarding jobs several years ago and took up the rewarding, challenging, and frustrating pursuit of writing. He is presently head writer for Win Shields Productions in Dallas, Texas.